I'm reading about the life of Samuel. I think if I have a son someday, his name will be Samuel for he will be a gift from God because the LORD hears me. I will just give the sweet little gift back to God's keeping like Hannah. It's mid May now, and I'm becoming a year older. Somehow I feel it. I look in the mirror at my brown eyes. They look a little tired, but they are clear.

Clear and wiser.

When it is my time, I will stand and be tested. God, help me in that time. But these brown eyes, they have been cleansed with the mud of your fingers. And I finally see. Yes, you see, once I was blind and heartless. Once upon a time, I clenched my fist in fury and my heart hardened beneath the meciless night. Above my bed, I framed pictures of Marilyn Monroe and read books about Evita Peron's succession to power in order to remind myself never to break, never to bend, never to feel again. To survive meant I had to leave behind any weakness--that meant crushing the already fragmented heart inside my chest.

Somewhere on the road to perdition, I crossed paths with an angel from God. He asked me a question and said, "I can be trusted and don't you know, I've always loved you. I've always been here. If you seek me, you will find me."

The road to perdition became my road to Damascus for I had seen a light in the darkness.

I did not change over that night, but somehow my heart began to beat for the first time since I was a little girl. I took my first breath of life as I began to trust Him at the age of 17. And somehow, I began to let go of the hurt I held inside...

I have to go now. I'll write more later...

Yesterday was the first day of 2008. I moved out of my parents home and into a little studio-apartment in Denver today, the second day of 2008. I cannot begin to describe the emotions I am feeling. As I carried boxes up the stairway and struggled with a small couch, the door slammed on me and my dad. A man walked  by and glared at me, gaping at us struggling.

Then I slammed my fingers between some metal bars. The pinch let loose the feelings. Tears streamed from my face and I muffled my crying. I pushed my glasses up on my nose as I continued carrying boxes up, up, up. I'm not used to this city and its people. "God," I cried silently, "what do you want me here for in this big, cold city? People are like ice. I miss Coral, Jay, Grace, Matt K., Stevo, Jordan, Matt W. Mrs. Bellus, Mrs. Crockett. I just feel so alone, and I miss them all already so much that it hurts."

But God, you have brought so many good things...wonderful blessings...into my life here. Matt, Cayla, Judy...

Later I wiped the tears away and realized what a cry baby I was being--think of all the suffering in the world. True heartache. Honestly. Kick me right now in the stomach and shut my mouth dear Lord if I dare complain anymore. Romans 12:9: Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

 (Talking to myself) You haven't any idea of how God has blessed you. Yes, He's asking you to step out of your comfort--Yes, He's asking you to trust Him. God is here. He's always provided. He's always promised. He remains my only love, my only love. Nothing can take that away from me. Wherever I go, God, be my best friend. I'm so grateful I have my parents in the state. I'm so grateful for the beautiful snow that fell on Christmas morning--how it reminded me of  Psalm 51:7--Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. I cling to that image.

Whiter than snow...my heart...as His? How I long for this.

I begin teaching at the elementary school up in West Minister, CO on Monday. Classes begin in a few weeks. Hopefully by next Christmas, I will be a certified teacher. God, whoever you bring into my life, shine through me to my students.

What will 2008 bring...

God bless you, whomever you are. Be encouraged and stay close to God. He will give you the strength you need.